50 Shades of Souls
by Mr Selfish
Summary: Sit back and enjoy as many different types of Souls players step forth and introduce themselves!


*_Ring*_

Selfish flinched his head to the left, a sparkling flutter of warmth washing over his body. His eyes blazed in blindness, but a moment later the pain in them had vanished.

*_Ring*_

As subtle and smooth as the orb of flame was, it sure knew how to annoy the fuck out of anyone close enough to bask in its presence.

_*Ring*_

God damn mother fucking warmth spell piece of fucking shit FUCK THIS.

Selfish broke into a sprint, not really caring how or where he was running to. It took a moment to remember where he actually was as enormous beads of sweat escaped the pores neatly aligned in his skin. The hexxer robes enveloping his body didn't really help either. He slowed to a brisk walk as he chugged some good old Sunny-D, immediately feeling cured of the mental disorder that was "Ring". He turned back to the Iron bridge, his rear facing the entrance to "Alonne Night in Katana Land".

Selfish gawked towards his own spell. "Man, I wish warmth didn't have such an annoying sound!" he complained.

Just then, a voice called out from the ashen skies above. It had a bit of an english tone to it, and you could tell that the person who was talking was probably a total weeaboo.

"Selfish" it said. "I am he who scrapes at the earth."

Selfish cocked his brow, obviously confused.

"It's me, Earthscraper you fucking idiot."

Our lone hero shrugged towards the skies. "My bad."

The voice returned to with a some-what normal tone. "Do you know why I'm here?"

Shrugging even higher than before, Selfish slashed his tongue forth. "To butt into other peoples erotic fan fictions?"

The voice retaliated. "No you fucking piece of- Fuck it, let's get on with it."

**The Many types of Souls Players. Or, 50 Shades of Souls.**

**_The PvP Elitist_**

The PvP elitist always complains about game balance, but he uses a monastery scimitar and a chaos, dark infused katana as his main weapon. He's normally in the Brotherhood of Blood covenant, but he isn't ever the highest rank. He's too good for the game to be the highest rank.

The elitist always wins, even when he doesn't win. He is quick to find a ledge so that he could jump off, claiming that he accidently died to gravity. Or, even better, he will run into a pack of hard monsters when he reaches half HP and then heal himself as he does the "Well What is it" gesture two-point-0.

**_The Lore Expert_**

The lore expert has never actually beaten the game, but he's seen enough of Vaatividya and Namebro's videos to know the full story, and what's beyond the full story. The lore expert normally can't sleep at night, as they're too busy dealing with emblazoned eyes after a full days worth of reading item descriptions on their tiny smart-phone screens.

Sometimes the lore expert will actually pick up the game, and every time they do they notice something different that adds to their own twisted version of the story.

In Majula.

"I wonder if the Emerald Herald is trying to seduce me!? Hey, Herald, are you trying to seduce me?!"

In Eleum Loyce.

"WOH, how long has that rock been there?! This changes EVERYTHING!"

**_The Filthy Casual_**

The filthy casual is the reason why Straid calls you a "Feeble Cursed One". They are the epitome of stupidity, often running into obvious traps or standing toe to toe with foes they aren't able to kill. Normally a casual will summon help to kill the easiest bosses, and they often use magic or do dumb things like spending all their souls on levels instead of upgrading or buying items that have great potential to help them.

But you do have to respect them, they enjoy themselves and actually have fun with the game.

Many of the playerbase doesn't like to admit it, but a good seventy-five percent of players fall into this category.

**_The Legend_**

Well, what is it?

**_The Sun Bro_**

There are actually two types of Sun Bros. It's better to explain them both through dialogue than weak descriptions.

The helper.

"Time to do some co-op and help new players out, Yaaaaa!"

The: I want to get this over with so that I could get the fucking sun sword.

"That's Sun Medal number thirty-five. Stupid Smelter Demon. God, what am I doing with my life?"

**_The Hacker_**

The hacker is the nicest player you will run into in Lordran or Drangleic. They are always willing to help you out.

They don't do things like run around with infinite health, or hack fan fiction accounts to change stories. None of that.

**Back to reality**

Selfish stuffed his index finger into his nose and vaulted a booger onto the floor. "So where do I fall under?"

Earthscraper replied with a light chuckle. "In addition to being a casual fuck, you're also a complainer! Which is…"

**_The Complainer_**

The complainer always complains about people complaining about things that are wrong with the game, while simultaneously complaining about things that are wrong with the game. They are all hypocritical douche-bags who enjoy nothing more than crying about balance in pvp, or retreating to internet forums or fan fiction boards to vent their frustrations.

These players are the worst, as they tend to ruin the game for everyone.

Back at the Iron Keep.

Selfish peered into the skies. "Fuck you, fuck me, and FUCK WARMTH!"

_*Ring*_


End file.
